i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
