my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
