the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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