y did u give ur computer a hand job?
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
