So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
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