I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
