Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
