before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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