I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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