haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
