in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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