Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Randomize
