I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
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