Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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