currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
