i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Randomize
