The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
