You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize
