I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
