That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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