I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
