Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
