3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
You just made me feel so damn special
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
