The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
