sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
