Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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