I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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