i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
sarcasm needs its own font
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
