dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
