my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
