If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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