How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
