i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
