Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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