So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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