They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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