I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
