I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
