She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
