U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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