So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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