All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize