Got a toothbrush?
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Randomize
