Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
