Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
