Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
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