also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Randomize
