Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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