Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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