I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
