Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
