Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
