I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Pants are for mortals
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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