dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
