I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
whose parrot is this?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
