I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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