Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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