Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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