i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
